How to Build Feminine Confidence (in a culture that values masculinity)

Confidence is usually shown in masculine traits. Western culture praises masculine confidence traits (often toxic) so it’s confusing when we think of feminine confidence. This is why it’s hard for women to become confident without sacrificing their femininity. You mimic what you see as “confident” but then go way too far into your masculine. The truth is, there is a way to be confident that is truly feminine, but you don’t often see it praised in culture the way you do masculine confidence.

What’s the difference between masculine confidence and feminine confidence? The essence of what I do is grounded in understanding what confidence is, and how women specifically can show up in a confident way. You can’t do any of that unless you understand, deconstruct and challenge the assumptions culture makes about confidence. Confidence is usually shown as an outspoken person who gets what they want at all costs. They’re arrogant and think they’re the best at everything, but that’s an ego centric view of confidence.

What confidence really looks like

Here’s the Confidently She definition of confidence:

Confidence is a calm, grounded trust in yourself to handle and survive any outcome. 

Nowhere in that definition did I say control? Confidence is not about getting what you want or knowing things are going to go your way. Truly confident people know they are only in control of themselves. It’s about groundedness, a deep knowing of who you are, and a trust in who you are. It’s trusting that no matter what happens, you will survive, and you will handle it. 

Now let’s break that down into masculine traits, and feminine traits. And I want to preface, this has nothing to do with gender. Every human being has both masculine and feminine energy inside of them.

Qualities of masculine confidence

Masculine energy has its own qualities of confidence. Unfortunately, a lot of what we see when we talk about confidence is an unhealthy masculine energy. Someone who’s forceful, cold, and completely unfeeling. Confident people see right through that protective ego barrier. You don’t want to turn yourself into that, trust me.

Instead of forceful or dominant, confident masculine energy is decisive. It makes decisions and sticks with them. Masculine energy sets up the container and monitors the perimeter. Think alert, protective, watching out for any harm. It’s the leading force, it initiates, it’s firm and clear. Masculine energy has a penetrating nature to it, (and I’m not trying to make a sexual analogy *wink wink*) but there’s a sense of leading energy, penetrating energy that is distinctly masculine. Women need to be able to do these things. Just because you’re a feminine woman doesn’t mean it’s cute to not be able to do things yourself. It’s always about balance.

Qualities of feminine confidence

The feminine qualities of confidence are freely and boldly moving within a container that the masculine energy has set up. Feminine energy does not give the list of options, it chooses between the options given. It makes a selection with honesty and clarity. Confident feminine energy accepts or rejects the penetrating energy of the masculine. Think of it like accepting compliments. Masculine energy is giving the compliment, feminine energy is fully accepting the compliment. The feminine validated the risk the masculine took to penetrate the situation. 

On the surface, this idea of femininity not taking initiative can sound offensive or misogynistic. Again, I’m not saying women – I’m saying feminine energy. Of which, all people have a combination within them. It is absolutely essential for women to initiate in a certain context.

Understanding your dynamic energy

Knowing when it’s time to shift from masculine to feminine is essential. The first step is awareness.  If your masculine and feminine energy aren’t in sync, things will feel off balance in your life. You might be overly stressed or feel too much pressure to make every decision. 

If the feminine confidence traits seem weaker than the masculine, consider this. How much strength does it take to say no to something you want? How strong do you have to be to do nothing in a situation where you feel out of control? A lot more than you think.

It’s a different kind of strength. Femininity is a calm strength, the power of restraint and knowing you will have another opportunity even if you turn down the option in front of you. It’s opening yourself to receiving. That takes courage and vulnerability of a different kind.


June 4, 2021


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